Attachment Styles and Your Relationship: How Understanding Your Attachment Can Transform Your Love Life

Your attachment style shapes how you connect with your partner, how you handle conflict, and how safe you feel in your closest relationships. If you have ever wondered why you keep falling into the same patterns with romantic partners, or why certain arguments seem to repeat no matter who you are with, attachment theory may hold the answer. At Sentio Counseling Center, we help individuals and couples throughout California understand and work through attachment challenges using evidence-based approaches, including Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, one of the most researched and effective models of couples therapy available today.

Whether you live in Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, Sacramento, San Jose, Oakland, Long Beach, Fresno, Riverside, Bakersfield, or any community across the state, our online counseling services bring attachment-informed therapy to you from the comfort of your home. With sliding scale fees starting at $15 per session, Sentio makes relationship therapy accessible to Californians at every income level.

What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter in Relationships?

Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded through the research of Mary Ainsworth, who studied the bonds between children and their caregivers. In the 1980s, researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver applied these same principles to adult romantic relationships and found striking parallels. Just as children seek safety and comfort from their caregivers, adults seek security and closeness from their romantic partners.

Research consistently shows that approximately 60 percent of adults identify as having a secure attachment style, while roughly 20 percent identify as avoidant and another 20 percent as anxious (Hazan and Shaver, 1987; Fraley, 2018). These patterns influence everything from how you communicate during disagreements to how you respond when your partner needs space or closeness.

According to Tony Rousmaniere, PsyD, President of Sentio Counseling Center, "Understanding your attachment style is not about putting yourself in a box. It is about recognizing the patterns that drive your behavior in relationships so you can make conscious choices instead of reacting on autopilot. When couples understand each other's attachment needs, they can start responding with empathy rather than defensiveness."

Adults with insecure attachment styles, whether anxious or avoidant, tend to report lower relationship satisfaction and commitment compared to securely attached adults (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2007). The good news is that attachment patterns are not fixed. With the right support, individuals and couples can develop what researchers call "earned security," a more secure way of relating that develops through corrective emotional experiences, including those that happen in therapy.

What Is Anxious Attachment and How Does It Affect Your Relationship?

People with an anxious attachment style tend to worry about whether their partner truly loves them. They may seek frequent reassurance, feel distressed when their partner is unavailable, and sometimes interpret neutral situations as signs of rejection or abandonment. In relationships, this can look like texting repeatedly when a partner does not respond quickly, becoming upset over small changes in routine, or needing constant verbal affirmation of love and commitment.

Research has found that anxious attachment is associated with higher levels of emotional distress, greater perceived conflict in relationships, and increased worry about abandonment (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2007). A study from the National Comorbidity Survey found that a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder was positively correlated with anxious attachment and negatively correlated with secure attachment (Mickelson, Kessler, and Shaver, 1997). This means that anxiety in relationships is not simply a personality quirk. It has roots in early relational experiences and can be meaningfully addressed through therapy.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself or your partner, relationship counseling can help. At Sentio, our therapists are trained to work with attachment-related concerns using Emotionally Focused Therapy, which directly targets the negative interaction cycles that anxious attachment can create between partners.

What Is Avoidant Attachment and How Does It Show Up in Romantic Relationships?

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency, sometimes to the point of keeping emotional distance from their partners. They may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness, pull away during emotional conversations, or minimize the importance of the relationship when they feel vulnerable. Avoidant individuals often have a positive view of themselves but a more guarded or negative view of relying on others.

Research shows that avoidant attachment is associated with lower levels of happiness in relationships, reduced self-disclosure, and a tendency to use distancing strategies when faced with conflict or stress (Pietromonaco and Barrett, 1997; Simpson, Rholes, and Phillips, 1996). Avoidant individuals may appear self-sufficient on the surface, but underneath, the lack of emotional connection can leave both partners feeling lonely and disconnected.

One of the most common and painful relationship dynamics occurs when an anxiously attached partner pairs with an avoidantly attached partner. The anxious partner pursues closeness while the avoidant partner withdraws, creating a cycle of pursuit and distance that escalates over time. This is exactly the kind of pattern that Emotionally Focused Therapy is designed to address. If you and your partner feel stuck in this kind of cycle, our counselors can help you break free from it.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style Through Therapy?

Yes. One of the most important findings in attachment research is that attachment styles are not permanent. People can and do develop more secure attachment patterns over time, especially with the help of supportive relationships and therapy. This process, known as earning security, involves developing new ways of understanding and responding to your own emotional needs and those of your partner.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the most effective therapeutic approaches for helping couples shift from insecure to more secure attachment patterns. A meta-analysis of EFT outcome studies found that 70 to 73 percent of couples moved from distress to recovery, and approximately 90 percent showed significant improvement, with an overall effect size of 1.3 (Johnson, Hunsley, Greenberg, and Schindler, 1999). These results are particularly striking when compared to the roughly 35 percent success rate seen in many other forms of couples therapy. Furthermore, follow-up studies show that treatment gains in EFT are stable and in many cases continue to improve even after therapy ends (Wiebe and Johnson, 2016).

According to Alexandre Vaz, PhD, Chief Academic Officer at Sentio University, "The research on EFT is compelling because it does not just show that couples feel better temporarily. It shows lasting change in how partners relate to each other at a deep emotional level. When couples learn to turn toward each other instead of away, the entire relationship shifts. That is what attachment-based therapy makes possible."

At Sentio Counseling Center, our therapists receive specialized training in EFT and other evidence-based approaches through our affiliation with Sentio University, which offers the only Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy program in the country built entirely around Deliberate Practice methodology. This means our therapists do not just learn these approaches in a classroom. They practice them repeatedly under expert supervision until they can deliver them with skill and confidence.

How Does Online Couples Therapy Work for Attachment Issues?

All therapy at Sentio Counseling Center is delivered online through secure, encrypted video sessions. Research consistently shows that online therapy is as effective as in-person therapy for most concerns, including relationship and couples work. For many clients, the convenience of meeting from home actually makes it easier to attend sessions consistently, which is especially important in couples therapy where regular attendance drives progress.

Whether you are in Orange County, Alameda County, San Bernardino County, Ventura County, Santa Barbara, Pasadena, Irvine, Anaheim, the San Fernando Valley, or anywhere else in California, you can access the same quality attachment-informed couples therapy. Our online counseling services are available seven days a week, and our sliding scale ensures that cost is never a barrier.

Sentio is the only counseling center in California that integrates Deliberate Practice and clinical outcome data into every level of care. This means your therapist is not just trained in effective methods. They are actively tracked and supported to ensure those methods are working for you specifically. You will receive regular check-ins about how therapy is going, and your therapist will adjust their approach based on real feedback rather than assumptions. Learn more about our mission and how we approach quality improvement.

What Are the Signs That Attachment Issues Are Affecting Your Relationship?

Many couples do not realize that attachment patterns are at the root of their conflicts. You may benefit from attachment-informed therapy if you experience any of the following in your relationship: frequent arguments that seem to go in circles without resolution, one partner consistently pursuing closeness while the other pulls away, difficulty trusting your partner even when they have given you no reason to doubt them, shutting down emotionally during conflict instead of engaging, feeling like your partner does not understand or care about your emotional needs, or a persistent sense of loneliness even when you are together.

These patterns do not mean your relationship is broken. They mean your relationship is calling for a deeper kind of attention. Research shows that couples wait an average of six years from when problems begin to when they seek help. The sooner you address these patterns, the more quickly you can build a stronger, more satisfying connection. If you are ready to get started, you can sign up here or learn more about our low-cost couples therapy in California.

Is Attachment-Based Therapy Right for Me if I Am Not in a Relationship?

Absolutely. Attachment patterns affect all of your close relationships, not just romantic ones. If you find yourself struggling with trust, vulnerability, emotional closeness, or a pattern of choosing partners who are unavailable, individual counseling can help you explore your attachment style and develop healthier relational patterns.

A large-scale national survey found that individuals with insecure attachment were significantly more likely to seek mental health services, including therapy, crisis hotlines, and support groups, suggesting that attachment insecurity is a widespread driver of emotional distress (Ciechanowski et al., 2002). Individual therapy can help you understand where your patterns come from, how they play out in your current life, and what steps you can take to build more secure connections moving forward.

Sentio offers individual counseling throughout California at the same affordable sliding scale rates as our couples work. Sessions are available in English, Spanish, and Mandarin Chinese. Visit our FAQ page for answers to common questions about how therapy at Sentio works.

Frequently Asked Questions About Attachment Styles and Therapy

What are the four main attachment styles?

The four main attachment styles are secure, anxious (sometimes called anxious-preoccupied), avoidant (sometimes called dismissive-avoidant), and disorganized (sometimes called fearful-avoidant). Research suggests that about 60 percent of adults have a secure attachment style, while the remaining 40 percent fall into one of the insecure categories (Hazan and Shaver, 1987). Each style reflects different beliefs about yourself and others that developed through early relational experiences.

Can couples therapy help if my partner and I have different attachment styles?

Yes. In fact, couples with different attachment styles are among the most common pairings seen in therapy. The anxious-avoidant pairing, where one partner seeks closeness and the other withdraws, is especially responsive to Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT has a 70 to 75 percent recovery rate for distressed couples and approximately 90 percent of couples show significant improvements within 15 to 20 sessions (Johnson et al., 1999). At Sentio Counseling Center, our therapists are trained to help both partners understand and respond to each other's attachment needs.

How much does attachment-based couples therapy cost at Sentio?

Sentio Counseling Center is a nonprofit organization with a sliding scale starting at $15 per session. We do not require income verification. Many couples pay between $25 and $50 per session. We believe that financial barriers should never prevent anyone from getting the relationship support they need. Learn more about our sliding scale therapy.

Do you offer therapy in languages other than English?

Yes. Sentio provides therapy in English, Spanish, and Mandarin Chinese at the same sliding scale rates. Whether you are in Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, Sacramento, or a rural community anywhere in California, you can access bilingual therapy through our online platform. Visit our locations served page to learn more.

How do I get started with therapy at Sentio Counseling Center?

Getting started is simple. Visit our sign-up page to complete the intake form, and our team will reach out to match you with a therapist who fits your needs. Most clients begin therapy within one to two weeks of their initial inquiry. You can also visit our contact page to reach us by phone or email.

References

Hazan, C., and Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., and Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67-79.

Mickelson, K. D., Kessler, R. C., and Shaver, P. R. (1997). Adult attachment in a nationally representative sample. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(5), 1092-1106.

Mikulincer, M., and Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Wiebe, S. A., and Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390-407.